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Archive for January, 2010

Sleepless

Just another sleepless night twisting and turning in bed.  After struggling for 2 hours and with no success I decided to get up to read.  *Argh* 1 am.

After reading and praying I felt lighter, but still, no sign that I’ll fall asleep anytime soon.  Looking at the clock and I wished that it were 6am, which then means I could get out of the house and visit the gym.  No such luck.  Time is slowest when you are not having fun.

This song came into my head while I was pondering/reading/praying/wondering in the living room, one of the few songs I could (somehow) remember the entire lyrics.  You know, when things go wrong you’d wish that it hadn’t – word that shouldn’t have said, things that shouldn’t have done, fight that shouldn’t have started – the list goes on.  I’ve heard many people say this, “if I get to live this life again, I’d do it all over once more.”  not so sure if I share the same sentiment – why repeat the regrets if there’s a second chance?

I believe in resilience, and I think I am resilient – I fall, I get up and get on with it.  But what catch me is having to face the 2nd, 3rd, 4th…. zillion-th fall – will I ever get good at this?  Will I ever change for the better?  Should I give up and therefore I can avoid the pain?  How much resilience is there in my reserve?  Yea, my mind is surely against me that point of the journey.

But of course there’s always a light – Jesus is the light in my life, the light that is always kept on, the Father who is always there waiting for the prodigal son’s return.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

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What faith can do

The first sentence of the lyrics caught my attention one morning and I began to chew on the rest of the song, very encouraging and it renews the spirit.

Enjoy.

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Bad hair day

Ever had one of those days your hair just looks out of place, it’s sticking out where it shouldn’t and lifeless where it’s supposed to be wavey?  Yea, that’s my kind of day today.  Standing in front of the mirror trying to rein my hair in without success, a colleague came around and told me, “You know it’s only you who thinks that your hair looks yuck, really, to me they look fine!”

Yea, that’s exactly right – no one really looks seriously at you and notice the yuck you see within you.  It’s all in my head.

So, the fuss has got to do with what kind of an impression we think people have of us – it’s about acceptance.  The concept is about if another human being accepts and acknowledges me, I’m alright.  Well, in addition to the hair, a brief conversation this morning sent me to that not-feeling-accepted-land.  This person said something that disregarded my decision and it came across sounding like “what a stupid move you’ve made there!”  That too contributed to my bad-hair-day. 

How do I deal with this bad-hair-day?  Something along these lines:

  1. whinge to my husband.  If he responds lovingly by saying, “that’s OK, you weren’t stupid at all,” I think I could move on no problem at all.
  2. whinge to my girl-friends.  Most of the time girls we “take sides” (just like guys watching a football match) and we cheer each other on.  I think that’s a pretty good move too, I’ll be re-assured at once that I am not the problem and I wasn’t stupid.  Case closed.
  3. pay someone to listen to me (go see a counsellor).  I’ve done that before and they are pretty effective – I mean, this professional will help you see that unhappy things in life is certain and unavoidable.  One either learn to accept or learn to accept, and live on.  It’s worked for me.  After a necessary period of time, my wound heals and I live on.
  4. go get a specialist book on the subject matter of rejection, dissect the incident, self-analyse and adopt measures to self-heal.  Works most of the time but it takes a lot of effort and sometimes by the end of it all, I lost track of what took me on this journey in the first place.

The point is get that feeling of acceptance and acknowledgement back in the system, then our engine is oiled again and we’re back on the road.  This other person has judged me and questioned my standards, as a result I felt I have lost my worth.

You know, there’s only One who can tell us how much we’re worth and that’s our Maker.  He weaved us in our mothers’ womb (Psalm 139:13), He knows how many hair we have on our heads (Matthew 10:30), and He alone knows our most inner thoughts (Psalm 139:1-3).  The most amazing thing is, He loves us regardless – we may have evil thoughts, hurt others, plotted against others – but what we are worth to Him never ever changes!  On this morning while another individual has taken away the feeling of self-worth and acceptance, but I came to His feet and sought His face, He restored and filled me again, at absolutely no costs!  Is that awesome or what?!

Lord, I often forget how precious I am to You.  I often let others take that yardstick rather than seek Your opinion of me.  Thank you for caring and knowing me inside and out yet still love and accept me.  Amen.

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I was writing to my penpal the other day when I finally understand the meaning behind a statement I heard a long time back.

This good sister from church left town and of course we miss her a lot.  I was very young in Christ then and it came as a great sadness to me – no more interesting chats after church on Sundays, I have “lost” a friend just after having found some being a new arrival in Sydney.  I asked her if she would be back in Sydney again and if we will we meet again, to which she replied, “if it is God’s will, I shall be back.”

Well, it’s kind of not what I expected, I was kind of expecting some Terminator response of “I”ll be back!” with some vigour, but instead that came.  Puzzled, I thought, “isn’t it something you decide on?  Don’t you determine your own path?  If you’d like to be back, wouldn’t you just make it happen?”  But I didn’t ask then, or ever. 

Today as I wrote to my penpal about a “promise”, I realized why the church sister had said so many years back.  Nobody is really in control of anything, no matter how hard we try or how we understand things that’s going on around us.  Just yesterday we attended a memorial celebration service of a church brother, who 10 days back was greeting us good morning with a big grin after the Sunday service!  No one knows when one will be called to heaven. 

I also read about news of a pastor who have committed adultery and resigned from the church.  It was devastating, knowing a leader who preaches God’s words to be committing a “big” sin.  I’m sure at the alter on his wedding day, he would have answered numerous “I do” and “I will” to the questions of being loyal and faithful; but yet he failed.  He charted his path then but why didn’t he make it now?

The fact of the matter is because we are not in OUR control – we are either in God’s way or in the devil’s hands – neither of those our control.  When we are in God’s way we will do God’s will, when we are in ourselves, we are plagued by our sinful nature; that is just natural. 

Having said this, it doesn’t mean that we can never promise anyone anything!  We have all good intention to do something and that will come to pass one day if it is within God’s bigger will for us.  Of course God would like us to be faithful to our spouses, but that can not be achieved by our own effort, we need Christ to lead us to that deliverance.  That’s what I mean – God will help us to our promises if we only invite Him to the party.

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