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Archive for the ‘Self-counselling’ Category

Never been a fan of new year resolution.

But perhaps THE year to start. To change some false beliefs.

1. I can change.  I am within my control.

2.  There’s nothing wrong with conflicts. Don’t need to avoid it like a plague, and definitely not to be stressed when it isn’t within my control.

3.  Admit there’s no value in arguments.  No one needs to be right all the time.  And can’t be, for that matter.

4.  Don’t sweat over none value-adding stuff.  Arguing being one of them.

5.  Write more blog posts.

Let’s see how I go.  Happy new year to all.

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After reading posts on her struggle with ED (see www.beautybeyondbones.com), I realied that with any sort of disorders, it attacks by eating you away; physically or emotionally or spiritually.

For the last week thoughts of worthlessness crept back.  I can’t recall what had triggered it, but probably to do with me allowing thoughts of hatred into my head.  Maybe that had let the guard down.

Once the thoughts are in, the fear paralyses you that you would lock yourself out from others; and that’s the trick, isolation.  The devil works beautifully when you have no one around to keep you accountable.  If nothing else, it encourages you to focus on yourself – I’m feeling depressed, I’ve been treated unfairly, I’m the victim, there’s no one to love me – the list of thoughts continue and fear kicks in.

That’s why one can be trapped in this state for long period of time.  Without will power to come out from this state, you can indulge in your negative thoughts as long as you wish.  It’s horrible and lonely to be there, but you are well deceived by now you’d think there’s no other way.

But there is.  Talk to a friend.  Open up.  Write a blog post.  Just take a breath and be brave.  Walk out of it.

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It’s been suggested to me to jot down thoughts along our ART (Assisted Reproduction Technology) journey, perhaps to help others in some way.  I don’t know if it helps but given this is the conclusion of our final attempt, it’s now or never.

I am not very good at expressing my feelings, and I think that perhaps confuses me.  This 6th and final outcome hasn’t been succesful but I’m lost for words as to how I feel.  Do I feel:
Angry?  Not sure, ‘angry’ is a dirty word and I don’t particularly like that feeling.  I don’t think so…
Beaten and Defeated?  Defintely
Disappointed and disheartened?  Yes
Lost?  Yes
Sad?  Beyond words
Self-blame?  Yeap
Teary?  No…. Maybe…. A little?
Tired?  Somewhat
Useless?  Yes
Questions?  HEAPS!

I don’t know why it did not happen for us, did God really meant for us to be parents, to pro-create?  ?  Am I too old for children?
Maybe I hadn’t prayed enough?  Not enough faith?
Where to from here?  Do we re-adjust our lives?  Perhaps start to learn a new hobby to take my mind off the self pity path?
How and what do I tell the kind souls who’ve been praying for us?  Don’t really want to deal with heartfelt sympathy/empathy….

I think one of my biggest question is how is God glorified in unanswered prayers???  You hear wonderful testimonies of successes, revivals, healings…. ever heard someone sharing a heartache and go “praise the Lord, hallelujah!”  I haven’t?!
What does the Bible say about this?  Let me think…
Mary’s and Martha’s request for Jesus to come heal Lazarus the moment he fell ill – we know Jesus delayed his visit, on purpose, so that people could witness God’s resurrecting power (Matthew 11:14-15).
Paul’s thorn – that’s definitely not healed, many times over, and Paul knows the reason: so that God’s power is made stronger (2 Corinthians 12:8-9).
Jesus asking God to take the cross from him – you and I know the reason that wasn’t granted is because of us, so we may have eternity in God’s new heaven and earth!

So, from me to you, if you’re asking the same questions about God, know this:
God is real, He knows what you’re going thru.  He feels your hurt, but He’s bigger than this hurt.
There’s a reason for unanswered prayers but we may only find out when we come face to face with the Lord (unless He chooses to reveal here on earth, for His glory).
God is our good shepherd, He is all-knowing and He leads us to the good pasture He has planned for us.  Along the way, He provides all that’s needed; so make it our desire to get closer to God everyday.  He made us and knows us and He has a plan for us.  This journey to “the promise land” is easier with Him by our side.

What God revealed to hub when he was praying sums it up beautifully, “be still, know that I’m God.”  Hope this has been an encouragement, God bless you.

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Is this a female thing, voices in me head? Are men not susceptible to it? Why do they not understand when you tell them that?
Regardless, there is the right responses, and the wrong ones to the voice.  Just like satan, the voice tells you the truth, but not the complete truth. Let me tell you my experience.

Voice: see, it’s happened again.
Me: yes….
Voice: and you did all things to not let it fall again!
Me (surprised): that’s right!
Voice: can’t stop it from happening, you know?
Me (exasperated) : but….. I tried so hard….
Voice: yea, but what’s the use?  It’s no use, is there?
Me: but…
Voice: you failed.
Me: ….
Voice: it’s evident it won’t work.  You saw it yourself, right?
Me: ….
Voice: I told you so, last time you set your mind to it, that it wasn’t gonna work.  See?  You had failed, misjudged; it’s all in vain.
Me: …. But…. It went well for …
Voice: for only a while, right?  You can’t help it and you can’t help yourself, can you?
Me: God ca….aaan… Can’t He?
Voice: yeah?  Right!  I suppose so…
Me (upbeat): ‘coz He can!
Voice: but He hadn’t changed ***, has He?  You can go and do all the right thing, but *** still won’t appreciate you, *** won’t love you more.  *** still remembers all your faults!  It’s all in vain, trust me, you saw it yourself this morning!  You’ve kid yourself long enough.  Wake up.
Me (deflated): …..

You get the picture?  Satan tells half truths – what I had done, wrong and/or right; what the other person had said , wrongly or rightly; my past failure.

But he didn’t tell the whole truth, he had left out stuff, INTENTIONALLY, so that I stay deflated and in that zone he wants me to be in!  Evil he is, this satan guy.

I have heard that you can drown out the voices of this evil man, with God’s words.  Jesus did it out in the wilderness.  He didn’t humour satan like I did, Jesus threw at him God’s words.  But that evil guy persisted!  (Only if I had the persistence of satan, I would make a great warrior!).  In the end Jesus ordered satan to go away, and he did!

Do we have the same authority and power like Jesus ?  I mean, we are not born of virgin birth; nor can we go without food and water for 40 days (well, I can’t….)…. Do you and I have that same power, to chase satan away? 

I reckon we do.  Jesus gave His disciples power and authority to heal sickness and cast out demons in Luke 9:1. We are not the ‘original’ disciples, but we are His disciples alright, so we’d have the same authority! (ok, I’m not suggesting for a minute we are demon possessed, but if we have the authority to cast out demons, this evil voice is…. what shall we call it….. chicken feet ;p)

So, you go girl, believe in the power you and I have in Jesus, let Him reign in our hearts, not that stupid voice in our heads.

Here is a song that was played on the local radio one morning on my way to work. I was again battling that voice in me head, and the song totally ripped my heart out. “How could Casting Crown know what’s going thru my head,” I thought to myself, in tears.

God knows. And He gave us the power to drown that voice, so use it without mercy. Enjoy the song.

Voice of truth, Casting Crown

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Self -discipline

Do not try to chase away goolish, silly and self-destructive thoughts .  When you ‘chase’ them away, you run after them, not going to work.  God has an army of angels, who is capable of destroying these thoughts that try to destroy you.  Leave it to Him, surrender to Him, He loves you and wants you to have peace.  Hand that yoke over to Jesus, thank you Lord, for Jesus.

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My confidence comes from God alone – no matter if I’m fat or thin, pretty or ugly, a loser or an achiever – God loves and accepts me the way I am.  He is my confidence, my God’s love give me confidence.

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“Cast all your anxiety on the Lord, because He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7

I have always thought this is a cliche verse, “yea, right, you don’t know what I’m going through, of course you can say that to me?!” But hey, doesn’t the Bible tells the truth and the truth only?

Yes, of course it is the truth, but we can make it our truth when we plunge ourselves into it.  This is the story of my journey, or plunge as I put it.

Well, it started with an accidental episode on the radio.  I caught a snippet of the “Focus on the Family” and the host shared about his anger encounter at home.  He shared about the “anger button” his wife pressed on one Easter holiday when her comment came across as undermining his authority as the head of the house.  As the husband didn’t want to make a scene by bursting as usual, he prayed in his heart this prayer, “God, I don’t understand this situation and why she said that, even though I feel very angry inside; but I am giving this into your hand, because you understand and you know better than me how to deal with it.  I thank you that you have given me a wife who’s made me pray.  Amen.” 

Shortly after that when the couple was alone again, the wife shared with her husband the reason behind her seemingly “rude” comment.  That all fell into place and how glad was the husband that he didn’t blurt out in his usual way – by submitting the situation to God’s hands they were able to enjoy the intimacy God has designed for them; not to mention his little homework on anger management.

I have a lot of negative thoughts in my head all the time – confusion, depression, anxiety, loss, weariness, fear….. you name it, I would have come across it at some stage.  I don’t exactly know how to deal with these thoughts except by feeling really angry and useless.  Which doesn’t quite work when I live in a community because feelings multiply – try talking to one who sulker and you’d feel all your energy being sapped away. 

So today as I heard the snippet I felt this in my heart – I could try the prayer, you know?  So the next time when I came across a feeling I didn’t know how to deal with, I prayed this, “God, I don’t exactly know why this feeling is inside of me, but I am giving this into your hand, because you understand and you know better than me how to deal with it.  Thank you and amen.”

Things happen when I surrender it to God entirely, He takes over and it’s gone with the wind.  Our pastor often says, “if you don’t understand a particular verse in the Bible, park it.  Let God know that you don’t understand it but you are willing to park it until one day He reveals it to you.”  Well, this is similar.  One day, when I am ready, He will reveal to me what it is He wants me to work on.

I have to admit I’m not there yet.  Moments come when I still struggle with ill thoughts but yes, casting my anxiety on God, for He cares for me.  Amen.

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